Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
