it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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