You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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