totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
