My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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