Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
not ubering you a puppy
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
