I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
