Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
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