The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
