I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
