Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
