and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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