My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
