I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Come share oat with me in your robe
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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