so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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