I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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