Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
