Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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