Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
