Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
