Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Terrible idea I love it
Randomize
