I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
In America we eat man semen.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
