i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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