Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
