i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
