Michael Bay diarrhea
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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