atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
