Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
we're making bets on your personal life
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
