I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
