how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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