I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
