After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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