I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
