Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
