trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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