I feel great
I just peed on a car
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
