They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
