u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
as a side note pls kill me
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
