you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
