Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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