Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
