Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
