Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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