Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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