remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
