I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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