i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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