i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
