im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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