the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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