I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
