Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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