I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
