sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Randomize
