Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
